I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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