I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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