we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
