He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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