I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
