You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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