you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
