opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
there is glitter all over my balls
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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