I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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