a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
