i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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