I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
