Umm I'm too high to move.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
