i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
