even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
