I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
