He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize