I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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