I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
