There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize