guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just cut my nipple shaving
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
