I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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