Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm always down for nudity.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
