He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
