if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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