Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
