you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
