saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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