Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
