We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
