This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
