she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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