I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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