I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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