If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We don't watch enough power rangers
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
