Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
