Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
