Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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