I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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