That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
