R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
