We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
