Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
