He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
