Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
