i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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