thus making me awesome and them whores
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Still dying that you shit outside
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
