Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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