don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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