I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
