my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
