WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
