Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
