i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
