mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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