I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
