shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
