I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
