I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
