Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
