My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
