our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
