I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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