mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
