just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
